‘If the Shoe Fits’ and ‘Half Emotions’ 

‘If the Shoe Fits’

Collin has a very big shoe collection.

Which makes it hard for him to decide what shoes go with his outfit. 

First, he separates out what shoes he won’t need to try on. These are the shoes that definitely don’t go with his outfit. 

Then he finds the ones he thinks he will need to try on. These are the shoes that he thinks would go well with his outfit. 

Collin always finds, however, that there seems to always be a mysterious third pile of shoes that he doesn’t know what to do with. 

Pair by pair he tries the shoes on from the second pile occasionally adding some to the first pile as they don’t go with his outfit like he originally thought.

It’s very rare that he will find a pair that goes so well that he won’t have to try on another pair.

Most of the time Collin must try on every pair from piles 2 and 3 just to make sure.

On bad days he must go through the first pile just to make sure he hasn’t missed any. And on really bad days, Collin can’t find a single pair that works. 

What makes this process so hard for Collin is that some shoes look really good but don’t feel good and others feel good but don’t look good. How is he supposed to know what to prioritise? 

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‘Half Emotions’ 

“Dad…”

“Yes?”

“Does being empathetic imply that one has to be correct/accurate about what someone else is feeling?”

I’ve been pondering this question a lot recently. 

Sensitive; The Power of a Thoughtful Mind in an Overwhelming World, co-authored by Jenn Granneman and Andre Sólo, offers precisely what I had in mind;

However, our observations aren’t always correct – nor do they show us the full picture – because no one can truly know for certain what’s on another person’s mind. Someone who appears to be radiating anger may not be angry but may just be tired from a lack of sleep or disappointed about any unrelated issue.

An autistic person’s “lack of empathy” instead may be a tendency to be inaccurate about what someone else is feeling, not necessarily due to a lack of effort. Or perhaps there is a level of humility on the autistic person’s part to acknowledge that no one, autistic or not, can possibly comprehend what someone else is feeling. That every empathetic act is just targeted guessing at best. 

This leads me to the rather curious notion of being able to empathise with oneself. 

Being able to empathise with oneself implies a level of disconnect from what you are feeling. Because if you were feeling what you were feeling, you wouldn’t be empathising at all. You would just be feeling your feelings as it were. 

When looking at empathy from this angle we see empathy is a much less emotionally involved process than one might initially think. 

But isn’t unemotional empathy just sympathy? Posing the question can one truly empathise with oneself or can it only ever be sympathy?

Understanding empathy for others is a lot easier when we look at how we empathise with ourselves. It becomes more about how we intellectualise it. Patterns, connections, facts and opinions are all just as important when empathising rather than simply feeling. We must understand before we feel. 

In a way, this is how I (understand how I) feel most of the time. Intellectually removed in order to access what I am feeling.

For me to understand and interpret what I am feeling/experiencing I have to “step outside of it”. The main message of The Untethered Soul  by Michael A. Singer is that if you can notice it, you cannot be it 

You are not the voice of the mind – you are the one who hears it

I find that I have to be in a position of noticing, which is separate from experiencing, to understand what it is that I am feeling. I can’t understand my experience until I’m no longer experiencing it, with the exception of emotions that are at 100% full intensity. 

That’s why I’ve always said “I don’t feel half emotions”. I can notice while experiencing emotions and feelings that are at 100% intensity because they’re asking for 100% of my attention, which is arguably the only kind of attention I can give something. (This is known as monotropism, a really interesting cognitive strategy that I will discuss in-depth at a later date). Any feeling not at that 100% intensity is not enough for me to notice it. It’s a bit like getting international shipping to my brain. It will arrive.

Eventually.

So perhaps this has more to do with delayed processing than alexithymia. 

… up to 85% of individuals with ASD present with alexithymia as well as a general tendency to intellectualize rather than experience and process emotions.

National Library of Medicine

I am unsure if I am included in that 85%, but I am quite confident that the aspect of intellectualization accurately describes me. 

Alexithymia is a term that describes the difficulty someone might have in either identifying, recognising, understanding and/or expressing emotions.

A common compensation strategy for these difficulties may be an excessive use of metaphors. It’s hard for me to outright name what I am feeling but I am a lot better at telling you what it’s like. It’s why Collin exists. A metaphor or allegory has always resonated more deeply for me than simply naming the emotion or feeling. 

Like Collin with his shoes, understanding and describing my emotions is a try-on process for me. Throughout these past 2 years, I’ve had councillors, psychologists and psychiatrists all call me “very articulate”. I don’t say that to brag and while I do recognise the compliment, I can’t help but feel extremely frustrated. Let me use another allegory to help you understand what I mean. 

In Photoshop when you hover over the colour wheel a small code will appear. #AA73C5 for example. Imagine trying to describe that colour knowing it has a code but not having the ability to describe the letters or numbers involved with the code. Already this is extremely difficult, but it would be made even more challenging if I just used basic words to describe this colour like, purple, cool-toned or deep lilac. I’m in the right area but I will never get remotely close to the true colour and its code if I don’t go a little more abstract. I might describe it as the colour I once dyed my hair or reference a piece of clothing I might have. I might spend ages telling a rich, highly articulated story but may never actually come remotely close to accurately conveying that colour code that I feel inside thus making me feel extremely frustrated. 

It is especially frustrating when people think they know what I mean when I know I haven’t accurately conveyed what I am feeling.

These examples and the time it has taken for me to write and articulate this post are a testament to how challenging it can be. With that being said, there are times when I do enjoy it. Psychology, Sociology and neurodiversity are all special interests of mine so, even when I’m struggling to articulate myself, I know that I am also engaging in a special interest. It makes every little frustration and challenge worth it.

Lastly; If experience is this;

And communication is this;

Then communicating experience is this;

If experience is felt in blurred spectrum and communication is represented by a harsh line trying separate something that cannot be separated.

If you don’t understand any of the visuals provided there’s not much more I can add other than it’s like cutting water with scissors.

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